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My Personal Experience The Merriam-Webster Dictionary defines addiction as "the quality or state of being addicted or the compulsive need for habit-forming drugs or substances." Compulsion is defined as "an irresistible impulse to continue using drugs, no matter what happens as a result. We just can't stop." These words clearly describe the cycle that traps many individuals in a downward spiral of behaviors that controls their lives in unproductive ways. Fortunately, for those who suffer from addiction, there is a way out and life can be restored to sanity. Alcohol and addictive drugs are basically painkillers -- they chemically kill physical or emotional pain and alter the mind's perception of reality. They make people numb and are especially attractive to those experiencing unhappiness, a sense of hopelessness or physical pain. They provide temporary relief from these uncomfortable symptoms, but can also produce unwanted side effects and lead to unhealthy dependency and behavioral manifestations. Some researchers believe that addiction has a genetic factor or is something one inherits. Being in recovery myself, my personal belief is that addiction is not inherited. For me, it was the result of a personality fractured by years and years of not being able to express myself appropriately. I had a
27-year-long run of abusing drugs, mental stress, unethical behavior and
loss of my personal integrity and relationships with friends and family.
It began at the ripe young age of 16 with smoking plenty of marijuana and
drinking alcohol. Somehow, I managed to graduate high school and enter
college, but I didn't last more than two semesters due to poor attendance.
Drugs had become the most important thing in my life and the negative
consequences were already in effect -- although I could not see them then.
I took on several odd jobs as a laborer in the construction industry where I was able to continue smoking and drinking. There was never any consistency in my life, except for my desire to use. I had crossed that invisible and intangible line -- I had become an addict. Drugs had changed my attitude and the hostilities and hatred that dwelled inside me were about to surface. By 1976, cocaine had become my pleasure -- that was, until I began sniffing heroin in 1979. Then, one day in 1982, a rather tactful addict introduced me to a higher ground and I stepped up a notch to mainlining. By 1984, I couldn't seem to get over anymore with the money I was earning from working and I started a life of crime, doing robberies to support my habit. With that came arrest, but I always got busted for drugs, never for the crimes associated with my use and abuse, so I just kept on going down the same road, knowing that there were "monsters" ahead. When I learned, in 1989, that methadone could help me, I found a place where I could buy it in the streets. Before I knew it, I was a methadone addict too. My body just physically craved everything. Some time in 1990, I began to supplement my methadone addiction with anything I could get my hands on. What happened? I thought I had kicked everything -- or at least the real hard stuff like heroin and cocaine. I had started working again and I wasn't doing any crimes or selling drugs. I really thought I was cured. Up until this point, I had never tried smoking crack, and then, it happened. It wasn't long before crack had me in its grip, too, and yes, I was now a crack-head. As they say in the streets, "I was wide open." Everything else returned and with even more intensity. It was never like this before. I became a homeless man, living on the streets of the Bronx. L. Ron Hubbard writes, "One has a choice between being dead with drugs or being alive without them. Drugs rob life of the sensations and joys which are the only reason for living anyhow." October 11, 1994 began my quest for a clean and sober lifestyle. Broken down and shattered, I went to the emergency room of St. Barnabas Hospital and was referred to a 5-day detoxification program. There, I had the opportunity to listen to a speaker who was an outreach worker from one of New York City's oldest drug-free residential therapeutic communities. Sick and tired of being sick and tired, I signed up for long-term treatment. Once in that environment though, I found that I simply could not adjust and cried night after night. One day, during a house meeting, a member proclaimed, "We are closing the house. Nobody goes out or in. If this is not to your liking, you can come up and get two tokens." Say no more. I was out of there. My next stop was an adult rehab center where I stayed for eight months. That's where my recovery really took off and I was introduced to the Twelve Step Fellowship. My recovery was sound; however, I knew I needed economic recovery as well to return to the mainstream of society as a productive citizen. I learned about a program called Ready, Willing & Able in Brooklyn and was admitted in October 1995. Life hasn't been the same since. I graduated from the program in 1996 and was hired in an entry level staff/trainee position. Using the same principles I had learned through the Twelve Step program (humility and integrity), I quickly rose through the ranks. Today I am the program director of the same facility that changed my life forever. The only way for me is up! Discovering the problems, learning how to arrest my addiction and given the opportunity to change, I found the road to take to regain my life. I know I've been blessed to now be in a position to give back every day to others who still suffer the ill effects of the disease called addiction. For this, I am now and will always be grateful. -- Nazerine Griffin, Program Director, Gates Avenue |
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