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First Signs of Real Trouble It was a head-on collision in Lakewood, NJ. The pickup truck lay across a car it had rolled onto, flattening it. The driver of the truck was on the wrong side of the road, no headlights and speeding. The state policeman at the scene was quoted as saying, "He had to be going at least 75+ miles an hour... .0375 blood-alcohol level." A total of five cars, one truck and one man were destroyed.  I was in a car with a girl, on our first date. We had just left a restaurant when the truck hit us. All I remember is a golden glow all around us while the accident was occurring (God?). Every part of my car was crushed, except the front seat area. My car was on top of another one and it, too, was crushed. My girlfriend had a broken ankle. I had my upper two front teeth knocked out by the steering wheel. The driver of the truck had just been awarded "Businessman of the Year" at a picnic not far from the restaurant we had left. The people who saw what happened said his body went in and out of the windshield many times. The smoke started clearing as I helped my girlfriend from the car and my thoughts cleared, too. I could see that my life was going all wrong. I knew that businessman could easily have been me. I had used drugs for many years prior to this catastrophic event. This was my first sign of real troubles to come. The message was there. Unfortunately, it took another 18 years to really get through.  The thing was, I didn't know how to stop using drugs and stay stopped. Cocaine had captured me in a way I couldn't understand. I could point to many reasons to stop, like the number of jobs I had lost; the family-friends-business-community relationships I had destroyed; the jails and hospitals I had been in. The list kept growing as long as I continued to use. Once, I had been a great machine technician who occasionally used drugs. I became a drug user who occasionally fixed machines. I spent many years trying to use drugs socially and sabotaging what could easily have become a successful career. Drugs got between me and women, too. I was more focused on getting high than on them. At family gatherings I felt estranged. The only times I felt well enough to attend were when I used alcohol and/or cocaine. As the years passed, I could see how useless I was to my real friends, family and myself. I had gone from a casual user to an every-chance-I-got user. Every year, I would get into some trouble that would land me in the county jails, cause me to lose my driver's license and/or my job. When I'd go out late at night to buy drugs, sometimes I'd get into fights or be stopped by the police and arrested for possession. Using drugs and being around people and places involved with them exposed me to knife fights and caused me to get shot at, dragged by cars and chased by other addicts for money. I also saw far too many other people crippled or killed. These are just a small sample of things that went on outside of me; they are nothing compared to the scars inside. The memories of some of the things I did still haunt me. It's the "beg, borrow and steal" part of using drugs that brings so much guilt and shame. Guilt and shame kill people and those feelings were killing me. Finally, in December 1984, I went into my first rehab. I stopped drinking, but I would later try to smoke cocaine again. Several rehabs and two visits to the Salvation Army later, I ended up in rehab in Beacon, NY. It was at that point that I knew I'd had enough. My final run lasted for five days straight, with no sleep, very little food, plenty of begging, lots of tricks to borrow money and no bathing. They had to throw away my clothes when I got to rehab and that was after the detox had washed them! If you had traveled in these shoes, you'd know there were many reasons not to allow this man another chance. I had hurt a lot of people, including myself. All that came to end on October 12, 2000. And for that miracle, I am eternally grateful. Gratitude is more than a feeling; it's an action word for me. Talking about the right thing is easy, but doing it is far better. When I came to RWA all I had was the shirt on my back, some towels the rehab gave me out of pity and a broken VCR. Today, the VCR works fine and so do I. I have many skills and talents, but I know they mean nothing if I use drugs. Using drugs would send me back to being homeless, penniless, toothless, incarcerated and physically sick. Using drugs would cause me to lose my self-respect and the respect I've earned back from my friends and family since I've been clean. Most important, my spiritual self would die. Today, the most valuable things I have are God, myself and peace-of-mind. I have learned to ask for and accept help. I also have some "must do" rules for myself: (1) No matter what happens in my life today I will not use drugs; (2) I can do anything as long as I don't knowingly hurt anyone, including myself, and; (3) I must make time to take care of myself and attend to my special needs. I also take time to consider the question, "What would God say about this?" That helps me keep a balanced outlook about issues that pop up as I go through my day. My life story has had many good and terrible events. Every time I used drugs, my life was miserable. Every time I stopped using, my life got better. At RWA I stay stopped one day at a time. Everyday I thank God for that relief.                                                                 -- Claude Nevels